


Selfish

by turtle_abyss



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Drabble, M/M, Stephen Strange feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 01:38:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17695166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtle_abyss/pseuds/turtle_abyss
Summary: Interlude on Stephen's thoughts on Titan after witnessing multiple futures.





	Selfish

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd but people on tumblr seemed to like it.  
> Finally just now getting around to adding it here like I said I would. It's just a quick blurb of a thing.  
> I don't really know how to tag this...

There are actually twelve futures where Thanos is defeated.

In only seven of those, they manage to bring back those lost in the snap.

There are five that Stephen survives.

Three where they defeat Thanos before he gets all six stones.

But there’s only one in which Tony Stark survives.

He watches Tony Stark die protecting him personally 5,369,464 times. In many of them, trying to buy him time to get the time stone away when it becomes clear they will lose this fight. Not all of them though. And it is those where the truth of Tony Stark stands out vividly to Stephen.

He dies protecting the kid another six million times.

Stephen tries not to think about how many times the kid died too. For him, for Tony, or for any one of the Guardians.

When the strain finally becomes too overwhelming for him to keep looking, when he falls and Tony Stark blurs into his sight with an anchoring hold on him, he almost believes it’s just another future. He almost wonders which nightmare will come next.

“You’re back. You’re alright,” Tony says, brown eyes warm and kind and concerned.

“Hi,” is all he manages to get out. Stunned and dazed by the knowledge of fourteen million futures, the strain of the magic he just performed, and the heart-wrenching realization that he has fallen in love.

The others all want answers as to what he was doing and the explanation comes easily.

Tony asks how many they win. That answer is harder than it should be.

He looks at Tony - worried, afraid, but alive and healthy.

Objectively, the futures where they stop Thanos here on Titan cause the least damage to the universe. And those futures are all the lesser for the loss of this one man.

He’s a doctor. Do no harm. Reduce casualties. Prioritize the many before the few - the greater good. The greatest tenets of his morality.

He doesn't think he can hold true to that here and now.

 _‘It’s not about you,’_  the Ancient One’s words ring in his head. They are a constant reminder dogging at his heels.

Here, though, it’s like her memory knows what he is thinking of doing in this moment.

And amidst all the lingering grief and pain comes rage.

Why must he sacrifice  _everything_? Why must his life, when he is trying so hard to do good and be good, be plagued with suffering and pain and death? Surely, even with his prior arrogance, he cannot be deserving of  _this_. This cannot be his karmic due. Was Dormammu not enough? Were the nightmares and the sleepless nights and the phantom pains not enough?

Rage sparks determination and he decides it was. It was enough.

He will have this, if nothing else.

He will take the guilt. He will bear that suffering. Just so long as he doesn’t have to bear this one thing.

“One,” he tells Tony.

It feels like the truth.


End file.
